Sequester to Result in Shorter Days

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THE WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, DC… February 27, 2013

Today the White House warned that if the scheduled financial sequester takes place on March 1, the day will have to be shortened by 4.3%.

Following a grim introduction by President Obama, White House Astronomer Dr. Karl Wretchman gave a press briefing this morning on the implications of such a shortfall.

“Because of the Republicans’ refusal to allow a tax increase on the wealthiest Americans while demanding a cut in government spending on blind, homeless children, the Obama Administration has no choice but to cut the length of the day by one hour and three minutes, effective March 1. And the day may have to be further shortened if Republican intransigence does not change.”

Dale Schmutnick of MSNBC asked how this would affect the average American.

“That’s hard to say,” replied Wretchman, “but we are certain that this will be a severe hardship when you consider that this time loss will most probably have to come from time building orphanages, feeding the poor, ensuring a woman’s right to choose, landing airplanes, ensuring the Navy has enough ships, and fighting for public employee unions’ ability to use members’ money to fund Democrat political candidates. Then ,too, we estimate it will cost one trillion dollars to replace existing clocks and timepieces with those showing a 22 hour and 57 minute day.” Follow-up questions about the report that all new clocks must be built in union shops were not answered.

Dr. Bruce Acorn, White House advisor for Affirmative Ecology, then briefly answered questions about how the shorter day might affect such endangered species as the New England Red-necked Whistling Toad Lizard and the Southeastern Blue-fringed Mold. “We are quite concerned,” said Acorn. “It looks like this change will doom both species to extinction, resulting in the government seizing of all private property abutting the habitats and using it to store nuclear waste.”

Other reporters’ questions were left unanswered as the briefing was ended to allow government policy makers to begin making plans for the change.

In a final statement, Presidential Spokesman Jay Carnage warned, “This is just the beginning. Because of Republican evil, we are making plans for an even more shortened day, perhaps meaning that there will no longer be holidays or summer vacations. I don’t want to lay blame on anyone in particular, but voters have to ask themselves just who to blame for this speeding-up of the Earth’s rotation, and why.” Upon this word, stocks in vacation real estate and recreation vehicles plummeted.

Asked for comment, several Congress Members did express concern that this might mean a full golf game would now be just 17 holes and that Happy Hour in DC would shrink to Happy Minutes. The White House is preparing a follow-up briefing on how the Republicans are endangering the other planets in the Solar System.

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