Q: What’s the difference between a dating service and a tick?
A: After you die, a tick drops off.
People complain about the alleged impossibility to unsubscribe to America On Line. I submit that they are pussycats when compared to the tenacity of online dating services.
Four years ago, a year after the death of my wife, I screwed-up my courage and subscribed to several online dating services. A year later I met my current lovely lady and we have been doing great. I subsequently dropped my subscriptions to the several online services I had been using. Or tried to.
Four years later, I am still receiving almost daily Updates of my Best Matches. I have called and emailed these services to stop. I have unsubscribed from each several times. I have sent countless replies to their Monthly Update Notices to Stop! and to Leave Me Alone! I might as well have yelled at the Moon not to come up. I have added Junk Mail tags to all of them. Yet month after month, I receive emails from them informing me that “Nancy is waiting for your email” and that “We have a new best match in your area!” and that “Your New Matches Are Here!” These dating services rival the tenacity of the IRS. I have to wonder. Are these services simply incompetent? Are they using these endless messages to those no longer interested (or even alive) to create false customer total numbers? Are there even any humans involved? What if all dating services are really the creation of NORAD’s super computer, controlling all our ballistic missiles from a mile deep below the Rocky Mountains, watching TV Land reruns all day, unable to get out on its own and hit the bars, and going slowly insane? Or, what if dating services are really the creation of hungry but cowardly space aliens to whom humans are a delicacy, a la “To Serve Man”? All those single men and women going out on dates and never being heard from again. “I guess she met someone and must’ve moved-in with him…”
Until I’m sure, I’m disconnecting my cable modem and opening a post office box. Meanwhile, somewhere, “Nancy” is waiting…
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